Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
