omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
