When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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