i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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