Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
