I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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