Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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