i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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