you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
worst night to have a conscience
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
