i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
