I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize