I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
