If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
