At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
