I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Send help, water and tortillas.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
