I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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