I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
