It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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