If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
