You made me cry and you don't even care
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Randomize
