Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
