Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
