Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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