I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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