Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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