Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
