There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
