3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize