My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
