already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
