my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She bit a glass in half.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
