just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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