Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
