last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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