I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
