listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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