i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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