I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
