it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
