I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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