so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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