Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
40s are totally the cure
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
