I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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