Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
