apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
