so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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