all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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