He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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