if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
