Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
