3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
