We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
