I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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