Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I need a beard to bite.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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