I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
