call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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