you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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